Indifference

5.14.2007

Ha. Not that anyone will see this soon since its been 3 months since I last posted but I moved. I took a cue from Crystal and went to wordpress. I am in love with their templates.

newtie0113.wordpress.com

2.15.2007

So... no big surprise, this was the worst Valentine's Day EVER.

Not that I have had a plethora of fantastic ones. The only time I think I actually enjoyed V-Day was in elementary school when we would make a shoe box into a Valentine "mail box" with red and pink construction paper . I would spend the entire night before Valentine's making each person in my class a special card with a chocolate taped to the inside. I gave one to everyone in my class- even in the pre-politically correct days of school when you weren't forced to. No matter if I hated you or looooved you- on Valentines Day you got a card from me. Not because I was nice. I just loved my own handwriting.

In middle school... No Valentine's. People with glasses and big teeth don't get love in middle school. I use to watch as the prettiest girls in my class would get roses or cards from their latest 2 week 7th grade romances. I would bury my face into "Sarah Plain and Tall" and pretend I didn't care. I somewhat didn't, I figured my great love affairs would be when I was 20 and could afford to shop at the mall on my movie star salary. I was holding out for River Phoenix.

Then he died and that really fucked me over.

So this year, with low expectations, I spent my Valentine's Day with 2 Smirnoff Ices I found way way WAY in the back Siberia part of my fridge and watched American Idol. Lakisha Jones is TAKING it. She is so amazing.

And with that its off to bed in a little bit of a tipsy haze. Good lord I wish it was the weekend already.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody.

2.07.2007

"You are the best one, of the best ones..."

I am addicted to Dashboard Confessional's "Stolen." I am so emo, I know.

Its funny. When I was seven years old I wanted to be the president of the United States. When I was ten I wanted to be Miss America. When I was 13 I wanted to be the youngest best selling author-slash- Broadway sensation in America. When I was 15 I just wanted a boyfriend. And that want never stopped. I just wanted someone to live for. Fucking pathetic but it was how I was wired. How I AM wired. Boyfriends, to two fiances, to one husband.

To one soon to be ex-husband.

Yes, I am getting a divorce. That is the first time I have actually seen it in print and I have sat here looking at THAT sentence, my cursor blinking, for a full minute. Its very very very ODD to me still. Although this has been a long time coming. But at this juncture it is now official. I will be Alison Newton again. I'm still not sure what to think about that. My FICO score improved when I was married. My insurance went down, I got these horrific e-mails every other week from the psychotic women at www.thenest.com reminding me of my 14th month anniversary, I started getting ad literature from Bed Bath and Beyond in my mail EVERY DAY. I guess that'll stop now? Not sure.

My heart... Its a little dead, honestly. I never expected this. Which I know most people wouldn't. But what I mean is not so much that I never expected this with Chris, I never expected this from ME. Ever. I am a child of divorce. I have always been this huge asshole advocate of marriage and familial stability and the American Dream and I look back on all that and don't even understand how I was that person. I mean, I miss her. I miss not knowing the things I know now. I wish I could have stayed that way. I wish I was still that girl that loved The Notebook.

I fucking hate The Notebook now.

I haven't told most of my friends. You know how it goes, it will be a pain in the ass. I kind of just hope people find out through other people. I don't plan on calling people on the phone and spreading the news myself. Afterall... Its a little embarrassing. I am sure there are people reading this blog RELISHING this announcement and making snarky ass comments. And I wouldn't blame anyone, I would do the same exact thing.

But I honestly, truly don't give a fuck.

And I don't mean that in the defensive "Fuck all y'all!" way. Because thats not real. When someone reacts that way it means they deeply care. I can say I truly don't care because I have no feeling either way.

And its beginning to scare me.

1.29.2007

"I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

So basically I have nothing great to write about. A peek into my life the past couple of months:

--- I listen to stories of car wrecks. All day. Rear ends, vandalism revenge, road rage, DUI's, fatalities, T-Bones, side swiping, doors scrape, teeth gnashing, screaming, pandamonium, cats and dogs living together, all that shit.

--- I drive home in a Hyundai Elantra, 2002. It is purplish red. Its suppose to be "wine" colored but its purplish red. The locks buzz at me when I unlock them. The radio display doesn't work. The check engine light stays on. It runs. Its enough.

--- My brother is off the coast of Mogudishu, Somalia. I probably butchered that.

--- 26 was depressing and continues to be.

--- On my way home yesterday a little red beater car ran into a light pole. The light pole fell down... 5 feet from my car. I screamed. I honked my horn. At a light pole. I didn't get much of a rise out of it. How unsettling is it that a little red car full of mexicans (who scurried like roaches out of the back seats when the fire truck came sirening up the street) knocked over a STEEL LIGHT POLE? Maybe it was made out of aluminum. Or styrofoam. I don't fucking know but I can't stop thinking about it. No one was injured.

--- The pit bull across the street ate some woman's little Pomeranian. It was a really awful scene.

--- Some other family down the street was arrested and their house condemned. They had been keeping 5 foster children in cages INSIDE THEIR TRAILER. My stomach hurts when I read that sentence.

--- I am addicted to True Hollywood Story. I watched "The Curse of the Lottery" tonight. Rednecks + MegaBucks = DISASTER. But great television.

--- There is a man at the Circle K that has no teeth but INSISTS on smiling his gummy smile at everyone when they buy their gas. I try to avoid him by getting my gas at night but somehow his schedule is always changing. There's another woman there with horrific arthritis. Her knarled hands clutching my change creeps me out and makes me cry in my car when its that time of the month.

Which it is now. Which is why this blog is depressing. I hate PMS.

12.01.2006

Back in Black (and Blue)

Ok so I seriously am going to start doing this shit again.

So much has happened. Hell, just this week I was in a car accident. Some big metal thing flew out of the sky, landed in front of my car on Warm Springs and Shadow Crest Dr on Monday morning. I could see my office building when it happened. I was so close to being safe in my cubicle. That fucking horrible song "Lips of an Angel" was playing on the radio. I was just having an internal monologue to myself about how HORRIBLE that song is and how Hinder is nothing but a poor poor POOR man's cross between Guns n' Roses and Velvet Revolver when it all happened. So quickly. I hit this big metal THING in the road and suddenly my airbags deployed, the windshield was all in my hair, and my arms felt like they were on fire. (They weren't.) I briefly remember the inside of my car being foggy from the airbags and literally falling out of my car into the road. I was bawling (of course) and hacking up from the smoke. I don't remember much after that but apparently my first call (according to the call log) was to my Dad. He lives 2000 miles away from me and I still called him first. Some things never change.

I have contusions on my arms. Those are fun. My thighs are purple.

There is so much that has happened in the last couple of months. The kinds of things I have thought about and analyzed so much that I don't feel like writing about them. They will only seem old now.

Time for some new. (God I'm fucking trite.)

10.22.2006

Soooo I am kind of drunk and I haven't truly posted in a while so why not post intoxicated? It sounds like fun, doesn't it? I know tomorrow I am going to read this and be like "Good lord I am a douchebag." but I say that after entries I write SOBER so what does it really matter? Right on.

Tonight was pretyy chill. I wacthed The Omen and drank Belvedere vodka. The bottle was so pretty I didn't want to open it but it had to be done. It is the greatest vodka in the world of vodkas. Mixing it with red bull seemed like a classy idea so thats what I did.

However, in that inebriated state after watching a movie like The OMen, it became apparent to me that I needed to Google every thing on the end of times. Sometimes I get really obsessed with that. I always forget the order. Rapture, Tribulation, Armageddon. I thihk. Anyway I learned all about the end of the world on some website done in horrific HTML by some preacher in Arkansas. It was awesome. I would link it but I can't find the link. Google the word "Arkansas" and "End of times" and you'll find it. It will have a red fiery background that will make your eyes sting a bit in the back of them. But its great stuff.

Lately I haven't been doing much. I feel kind of like my personality has been scooped out of me. I just kind of work, come home, eat microwave meal, watch shows on DVR list, sleep.Rinse. Repeat. I am thinking about getting a hobby because my life is dull. Althouygh I have really caight up on some great TV. I am obsessed with Heroes. And Jericho. Its that end of times thing again.

I am a massive dork. Still.

I went to a great Italian restaurant tonight that was saturated in high school kids dressed in formal wear. Its Homecoming weekened everywhere I guess. When did it become appropriate for 16 year old girls to wear clear platform stripper stilletos to Homecoming? They weren't cute. I am not sure if THATS a sign of the End of Times but I certainly hope it is because THAT little trend needs to end with a haste.


10.15.2006

A Boy from Mechanicsville

I don't know what to write lately.

A guy from my high school died last week. He went to my church. He always seemed like a nice guy. He went to Longwood, became an Army Officer and lived his whole life of 27 years to die on some road in Iraq where 2 men he never would have met in Mechanicsville strolled up to the humvee he was in and threw a grenade at him and 3 other men under his command. He jumped on it to shield his fellow soldiers. No one else was killed. He just got married in June to a girl named Jennifer. I remember a lot of girls use to have crushes on him. He lived to die for something... I don't even know. As much as I like to defend our country's actions its hard to remember the answers when a boy from Mechanicsville dies in Iraq.